I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
