Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
