True but thats because hes a fetus.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
