Dude my mom stole all your condoms
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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