I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
zippers are such a cool invention
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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