I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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