it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
