all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I FOUND THE LEGS
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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