You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
