dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
