Im at strip club and am horny
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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