nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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