I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
