I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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