We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
