My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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