Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
