If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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