If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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