i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
