mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize