What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
