Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
