FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
