I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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