i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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