seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
