i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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