Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
