When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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