the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
