i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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