Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
