She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have aggressive nipples.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
