I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize