just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
nut hugger
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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