9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize