I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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