I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
