Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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