you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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