I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
