grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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