It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
