You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
