i think i have two assholes
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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