I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Pants are for mortals
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
