her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize