My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
