My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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