the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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