bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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