I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
