Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
