Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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