did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
